Vulnerability

40 Days is a long time to keep a practice and I am at day 38. This writing is recording my lived experience of my Kundalini practice.

Day Thirty-Eight

I have pushed back my starting time on my devotion because I wanted solitude, and I had to realize that this is not an option today. I will have to start regardless of how I am feeling.

Today’s practice feels unsettled, and I let insecurity play a big part. You would think by day 38 I would have dealt with some of these issues, and I could rely on familiarity to get me through.

I have no idea why but the few times I have done this practice in the late afternoon it feels like I am in a trance and all the words and mudras are muddled. I feel lost in the mists of me.

I felt unmoored and floating in a hypnotic state until I picked my pen up to write and then the ephemeral feelings dropped away. It makes me feel like I am play acting and that the chant should not count.

This chant today will count it is day 38 and I am not dropping the ball, even with a mixed up, muddled up excuse I just had for a chant!

Today I showed up and that is the best I can say!

Chant

I start my devotion feeling uncomfortable and unsure. I have visitors and I am feeling vulnerable performing my practice while they are here, I am not sure why? I just know I do!

I have never been so lost in my chants before. Missed chanting. Half said rounds (for some reason I stop on Na). Being startled mid round wondering where I am up too? Realizing my hand had stopped mid mudra and the hurried action to catch up. The sudden realization that the hands are moving backwards. Today I feel a mess and I feel slow making it hard to catch up and correct what needs to be changed.

Today for the first time it was a constant reminder not to slouch and to keep the spine straight allowing a clear channel from the top to the bottom.

As the chant ended, I felt a million miles from where I should be, and it was a slow descent back to complete consciousness.

I am left wondering what happened!

Reflection

I turn up chant, contemplate, write and share; this has been the last 37 days! Why is day 38 so different? I feel like day 38 was breaking of an illusion dispersing into mist and having the fog roll back for reality to show through. If I am honest and look back over the last few days, I have been a bit frantic and out of place. I am left to wonder is this what is being expressed through my devotion today? I sense I am all over the place and unsettled; I can hardly be surprised when it shows up in my devotional practice.

On looking back, it was the feelings of vulnerability and lack of security in myself that weakened my grounding. It is the insidious feeling of being unsure of how to perform my practice when I feel the presence of others. It is knowing that all the jumbled emotions and thoughts are just me! In truth the others do not care or even have an opinion, but I do and that is my problem today! I am uncomfortable embracing my truth. I am uncomfortable claiming my space in the world. I am wondering do I have shame? What is that about?

I reflect on the ending salutation of my practice. After formally ending my chant with Sat Nam I also end with the benediction “As above so below, as within so without.” I ponder on what this means for me. My practice can also be considered an outward projection of what is happening within me. How I think and see is how I perceive. I now am wondering what my practice is showing me?

It is a reminder to live more consciously. Take control of my actions and make sure my decisions are in alignment with who I am. I need to be more mindful of where I am choosing to place my awareness. Why did I put so much emphasis on what others think of me today and shouldn’t my own opinion count for more? I am left with more questions and answers.

Card

The question today was asking for clarity! “What was happening in my chant today?”

Starfish was the reply.

Starfish — Beautiful, alluring, superficial or shallow.

This seemed to be a statement of the shallowness of allowing the opinions of others to influence me and stop me from reaching my goal. In wanting to appear a certain way for others I am letting myself down. It is a reminder to rise above the superficial and to find the beauty in the practice that I know is there and to do the devotion for me. To understand it is for me and no other.

Starfish is also reminder to live my dreams and not put them aside for others. Starfish is a reminder to let go of all outside noise and opinions and to listen to my heart and follow my soul. This card is a reminder that I am forgetting the deeper call of my Kriya when I worry about what others think. It is also a reminder to be more self-reliant, letting go of the need for approval outside of myself.

See you tomorrow for day 39.