The Life of the Invisible Woman

I thought I was protecting myself but I was in self-erasure mode

I woke up this morning thinking about what is happening and not happening in my life. The why me and why am I not doing what I want. How come I fail to launch my business making me feel like I am failing my husband as much as me. Why is this happening when I know deep within me I have designed an incredible system that helps find patterns and paths in life. Why do I have this tool and not share? Why am I worried about money and yet do nothing about it?

Why was I becoming sadder and more disconnected? I could blame my responsibilities (having an aging mum here and I am the one here to help her). I know this is an excuse. Yes the responsibility gets to me but really in the big scheme of things I still have a lot of unaccounted for time.

Why do I wallow in discontent and not take action I know needs taking.?

So much angst and self-loathing.

I am sure I am not the only person in this situation. I could say I am a woman of a certain age and therefore no one wants to see me or hear me, but that is also an excuse.

It was quite a morning.

I was reading an article on Medium that suggested I ask AI all about my blindspots and under-used attributes. I was surprised by the answers.

I realized I had found comfort in making myself small so I wouldn’t overwhelm. I had done it so well that I was a ghost in my own life trying not to take up space.

I had become invisible even though over time my body had become bigger. Maybe my body was trying to voice what I needed to hear.

In a world of curated perfection. My life was messy.

Of Instagram stories of what life should be like. My life is not picture perfect.

In a life of Facebook likes I had become a lurker not wanting interaction in case it was the wrong type.

I was living the life of the invisible. In a world I no longer engaged with but hid at home. In a world I bi-passed engagement awith. It was self-erasure.

Through study of pattern and paths I know I am not designed to be everyone’s cup of tea, but I am equally not designed to go out quietly.

It makes me think that those who knew me in my childhood and early adult life would be surprised by who I had become.

I always had a voice and an opinion and not afraid to share them. Over time I became the responsible wife and mother knowing I reflected on them too. Over time I learned that I needed to become quieter. To tone myself down. Instead of letting go of what wasn’t for me I changed myself.

I am now left with what do I need to do with this knowledge.

How do I become comfortable with being visible.

The truth is simple and hard for the same reason. I must become comfortable in my own skin and with who I am.

I cannot change what is not acknowledged.

Now I need to introduce myself to myself and find out who she is. What she dreams of and using my cards — my system I know the very first thing I need do is to decide on my values.

It is obvious in self-erasure I do not value who I am or what I can do. The proof is in my disappearing life.

I will find my way forward. I am going to find what I truly value, and I know this time I will come up on top.

The second part of this pattern emerging is the passion within me has gone to sleep. It is time I awoke.

Hello my name is Rebecca and I no longer accept being invisible.