Unsettled and Unsure

This is my lived experience of my human design crossed with a Kundalini chant and the following is my embodied results.

Day Fifteen

Day fifteen starts with a session with my Mentor Leah. I look for the link that will take me to our appointment and I see the reminder for the session on my computer is 10 am and I am confused because all other sessions have been 9 am (I do not see this as a clue to what follows). I go back through emails and my computer to confirm this. I go to our session and wait on being let into the zoom room. Leah is always punctual, and I cannot work out why she is not here. We are in two different hemispheres, and I did not realize that time had moved where she was. Leah is gracious and comes to the zoom room as quickly as humanly possible when I contact her. Today is starting out a little bumpy.

In the session we work on my open throat chakra (indicated in my personal human design). We discuss the difference between secret and sacred, what this means for me in sharing and giving voice to what is within me. This is a key to how and what I share. Leah helps me to see secret is covered in shame of something I want to hide while sacred is something I handle with reverence. I am working on knowing the difference.

Once our session is complete and before I start the chant, I look out the kitchen window and I am confused by the dirt on the dog beds. Upon investigation I found an unpotted petunia. Before starting the chant, I decided I need to clean the mess and repot the plant. As I write this, I see it is a reflection on how I am feeling, I too am displaced like the poor little flower. I am also wanting to feel grounded and happy in my body. All this reminds me that this practice is stirring up my life allowing what no longer serves me to drop away. This poor little plant deserves to be held and nurtured in my garden. I deserve to be nurtured and cared for as well.

Chant

For the life of me I can find no comfort in the first part of the chant. I miss and mess up the words I am chanting. A cough tickles my throat causing more disruption and my legs do not want to remain crossed. How can one’s legs just fall out from being crossed when sitting cross legged on the floor? I do not know, but it happens to me.

I am not comfortable at all today and I started with such high hopes. I was going to direct the chant to understanding the difference between secret and sacred.

Today’s chant does have an inspirational side I am inspired to capture and explore an idea through art. Hopefully I will find time to do this soon. I have made quick sketches during my journalling time.

Reflection

Today I am uncomfortable and find it hard to find peace, especially peace within my body. My hips and lower back are aching today, and I need to find a more comfortable place to write. I cannot quite name the feeling I have; everything feels slippery today fueled by nervousness. I have a resistance in sitting to write and feel this might be the day I fail to publish.

Is life trying to unsettle me to see how I will cope?

I think upon my Human Design and the open-heart center. Today I asked Leah to tell me about my heart. Leah tells me my design has me open to the world allowing self-growth through interaction with others and the world at large. I learn about love from my experiences, it is up to me to keep what works and serves me and release the rest. I am reminded that my heart is made for creative self-expression to be shaped by me in a way that is unique to me and no other. My heart desires creative self-expression. Is this what has me unsettled today? The desire to share from the heart but working out what is secret or sacred to me and all the while hoping to inspire others.

I am unsettled and unsure today. Might all this discomfort I have in my body be a reminder that my body wants a voice and say in how I live my life? This writing is reflecting the jagged nature of the day it is not running smoothly or writing what I thought would come up.

Today my writing is lack luster. I have the words of another running through my mind that remind me “imperfect and done beats the perfect post that is never shared.”

Card

Today I am unsure if I need a card. I quickly come up with the question “How do I ground my body?” and receive the Gazelle card.

I notice that when I hurry or have no real question this is the card I draw. This pattern has happened three times and each time the Gazelle has answered me.

Gazelle is the answer that tells me I am being hypervigilant and maybe I am just taking all the fun from life. It is the reminder to trust and live my life with grace.

Even though this writing feels frantic to me, and I am unsure if I should share, I will. I am ending my writing now and hope for a better day tomorrow.

See you tomorrow for day 16.