Unprocessed and Undigested

This is my lived experience of my human design crossed with a Kundalini chant and the following is my embodied results.

Day Twenty

Today I have pushed back at myself, filling my time with distractions and not wanting to come write at all. Today is a day for emotions and a deep sadness for the loss of possibilities. It is a day for grief to take center stage.

Chant

Before I started today’s chant, I checked that a parcel of precious mementos of someone lost had reached who they belong with. I had checked on and off for several weeks. In this time, they remained uncollected. Today they are where they need to be. All this triggered sadness and undigested emotions within myself. I was blindsided by what I thought had been resolved.

Today there is a heaviness of heart and as I start silent tears slowly trickle down my face. I am faced with are these my emotions or my empathetic nature taking over? Either way I am having all the feelings and I need to release and let go. The words of the chant allow this.

Today I am a ball of unprocessed and unwanted emotions.

Reflection

When I reflect on my practice, I feel the sadness of what was not to be. I realize that these emotions of lost chances reside in me. The chance to get to know someone who maybe had no desire for this. The chance to know my father on a level that was now never going to happen. The loss of a beloved dog that was no dog. The situations I played martyr and victim without allowing life in and to move beyond the hurt.

Today is the day that I started to remove and digest the poison that has sat in my body for a long time.

Today I hope I have started what yesterday called for — the healing of the unresolved.

Today is a short and bittersweet post.

Card

I could not formulate a question for the hurt that sits within me (although less than before) and half expected the Gazelle card. I asked for any advice the cards could give me, and the Lizard stepped forward.

The lizard represents the instinctual and sensitive parts of us. It is being open and sensitive to life and all that entails. It is still being a dreamer even though life can feel like it pulls you down.

Lizard is our sensory perception embracing what is not spoken. Today I cannot help but feel that this sadness is more than me. The Lizard is the reminder to give voice to how I am feeling through a creative process, and I see that this is what the 40 days can facilitate.

I am left with hope that today triggered a deeper healing on something I thought resolved.

See you tomorrow for day 21.