To Write or Not to Write? That is the Question!

Dear Soul, When I write a letter where should I write from? What do you think writers should use? I think this inspiration for me comes from two places (one of these I have not explored)! The first is self-knowledge, from what I know and feel giving voice to my experiences and perceptions. The second is from desire of what I would like to be true. I guess the second is why I enjoy flights of fantasy and epic quests that fill a need within me; that part that is frightened of real-life adventure. It fills the part of me that does not want real life drama, but I suppose in a voyeuristic way I live it all through the words of an author.

I can only write with depth and clarity from my experiences, and it will always be through my eyes and my perception. I am left to wonder is this enough? What I write is always colored with my experiences and emotions; but I am left feeling that not to give voice is a form of denial of my life. To self-censor in fear of others am I denying myself? The little girl within me says “you have nothing worth sharing” and then self-doubt claims me, and I want to hide. How can I reach my age and still fear other’s thoughts and opinions? Does this sound familiar for you? I become dysregulated in my need to please.

I have worried for years what others think of me and the overwhelming litany of “not enough” running through my head and then I add “what do others think of me?” the response is fear, indecision, procrastination and yet another time I swallow my words. The truth is what others think of me belongs to them not me and I find this very hard to navigate. This is a hard thing to accept when safety in life comes through acceptance by others and community at large. It is in built to want to fit in with others. Most of the time my worry is for naught, and I know others are wrapped in their own worries that they do not even see me. Occasionally the full spotlight hits me leaving me unprepared, like a rabbit caught in headlights, bouncing from one side of the road and back again, only to be hit by the car and taken out. Ask me how I know? Because I have seen this happen. Over and over the rabbit could have made it to safety but with two cars approaching the unfortunate thing ran in circles. At times I feel like that rabbit always seeking safety and not taking the chance to live fully.

My mother’s words ring in my ears as I write sharing my thoughts, feelings, views, and experiences in life; it takes a lot to go against what has been ingrained into my very being. My mother told me “Never commit to paper what can be held against you later.” For years this has stopped me writing only to find out that my audience is small and what I write feels protected, I know this will not always be. Once I have shared the writing I will always be there just waiting to be found. I have also found that this advice has stunted me. Writing gives me a voice and a way to see myself clearly. In writing I process what is happening within me.

I am born to communicate but I have never given myself permission to explore this. Most of my life I have been told I am too loud, say too much and I need to be quieter. This is hard for someone who has been programmed in life to live through the experiences created through communication. Words are very important to me and especially the tone in which they are delivered. Every inflection of a word tells so much. Have you ever Dear Soul smothered your natural inclinations? Ever since I can remember I have been getting in trouble for talking too much and speaking my truth! What I know is when I do not honor the core of my being it is misdirected and explodes out in ways I am not expecting. In smothering my voice there have been times when I have said the incorrect thing, gossiped too much, speaking when I should be listening (yes part of communication is being an effective listener), in not giving myself a voice I have my answers prepared not truly hearing what another is saying. My voice continually looking for an outlet one is not consciously being granted. Where in life do you feel too much? Feel free to comment below and know you are seen and acknowledged, and it is okay to be you.

Our parents program us with so much that does not belong to us but to them. Being a mother myself I am sure my children have many issues mistakenly programmed by me, not on purpose and never with intent but they will still be there waiting for them to deal with. I am not perfect as I deal with issues created in my childhood, I in turn created issues that I may never understand just as my mother unintentionally did to me. Dear Soul, do you also understand this?

My mum has not always understood my reading habits as I have spent hours getting lost in other stories. The ability to lose myself in another world, another’s life. My mother thinks that all things should be real and teaching you! In the last few years, I have swamped myself in all that helps me to find my purpose, that I have forgotten the pure enjoyment to be found in the freefall into another’s world. Which brings me to the second point of writing and that is to explore all that you want in life. I want a life that is joyful, filled with creativity, love and laughter. When I write I want to inspire others and also to let them know they are not alone.

This writing today Dear Soul has been a meandering of my mind, but I also hope you feel seen.

In love and light

Rebecca

Dear Soul Wisdom