Tattoo for the Soul

This writing is recording my lived experience of my Human Design and Kundalini practice. The following are my embodied results for the 40 days I have committed to.

Day Thirty-Two

The days are beginning to tick over, and the end is fast approaching. This can be heart rate increasing and anxiety inducing to know I am nearing the end and what it will mean for me. I quieten my mind and know all will be well. This fear I am feeling is of the future and based on my past and I am now a different version of me, one created through this practice.

I want clarity of understanding to continue, and I know I need more time to work on the implementation on what is coming through. It is 40 days to break any negative habits and create awareness clearing the path for this kriya to become part of me. I will have the choice to continue to 90, 120 or 1000 days where it will become more ingrained into me. I feel the 90 days would at least be beneficial, but I worry about having the time to continue the streak. I already know the writing will end in 40 days (unless someone asks for more).

My anxiety is over the possibility of losing the winning streak I am on. Christmas is fast approaching; I have cherished loved ones coming to stay and I worry that I will not find the time to continue my devotional practice while they are here with us. I know there will be nothing stopping me from starting over, but the regret in losing my streak of days. Maybe there is a lesson in that to learn?

Chant

My throat and voice burned today during the opening five minutes. I am not chanting any louder or straining any more than usual, but the discomfort is real. I am super grateful when it ends, and the chant moves on. I am confused is there a message in this or am I over reading what is happening within my body trying to give meaning to everything. Deep in me I know not everything has to have a special meaning and I can have days of ease or days of unease and disquiet while I chant.

Besides the burning sensation, the practice runs smoothly. This practice feels like a tattooist is tattooing my soul. The kriya is creating a pattern within me that becomes easier every day and more a part of who I am.

Reflection

As I mentioned before I worry that without a formal commitment this practice will wane and fizzle out. I am aware of my good intentions and how well I do not keep these. For me this practice has been prescribed for me, and I have a slight fear of moving on by myself. I do feel that continuing this practice longer will be beneficial in reaching a deeper depth within me, but this will be something I will discuss later and closer to the date. I have not completed 40 days yet, so it is time to put this concern down until it is time to make an informed decision. I need to stop putting the cart before the horse.

The now moments seem to anchor more solidly with each passing day wearing a deeper path into my being. Does this make me an expert? No! I still make bad choices. Now when I choose, I am super aware and I can no longer pass them off anymore, dismissing my role in them. Now that I am becoming aware of my conscious choices, I can no longer lie to myself. The truth stares me in the face. If I tell myself, I am starting something tomorrow and I have all this day to overfeed and indulge my bad habits; I know it for the lie it is. There is a freeing that comes with knowing I am choosing (whatever it is) in the moment and by doing this get the benefit of my choice. If I choose to enjoy something that might be decadent it is enjoying it in the moment and accepting my choice. It is knowing I am not forbidding myself from it in the future. In choosing to deny myself it is the acceptance that this choice will be more beneficial for me in the long run. It is getting to be at peace with whichever decision I make.

This practice seems to be wearing a pattern into me and becoming a permanent part of who I am. Its permanence feels like that of a tattoo. I feel clarity and an ability to create peace if I embrace what I am learning and move it from trying to doing. The key seems to be in being able to master working in the present moment and grounding myself in “Now”. Not forgetting that I also need to incorporate other insights I have gained in my devotional practice. I will always need to be truthful and honest with myself and my motives. I also need to embrace the conflict of the moment and make the hard and easy decisions, not pushing them off for another day or for someone else to decide for me. It is in the remembering that my word to myself is sacred and needs to be kept.

All I know is this kriya is proving beneficial to me and I want to finish the 40 days strongly.

Card

The question I asked seemed to be ego driven today wondering if my writing has any worth or even if I am any good. In the end I settle on “Am I a writer?” still feeling like I need my ego stroked.

Two cards answered me. The Oyster and Beaver.

Together the cards tell me I can achieve anything I put my mind to and to stop doubting or taking my gifts for granted. The cards warn me not to withdraw to protect myself which I know I have done in the past. They suggest that I continue to reveal who am by doing what I am doing.

I remind myself to have an infinite love and enthusiasm for what I am doing and to keep expressing this. They remind me to remain for the long haul and apply steady attention to get where I desire to be.

All in all, I think the cards tell me to continue with my writing.

I know when I am finished these 40 days My Dear Soul letters will become what I focus on for this is where my heart is.

See you tomorrow for day 33.