Seen and Heard

This writing is recording my lived Kundalini practice. The following are my embodied results for the 40 days I have committed to. This is Day Thirty One am I ready to be seen.

Day Thirty-One

I am left contemplating how my Kundalini practice fits into other modalities. I am an Astrologer and Numerologer myself and I am drawing connections to my North and South Nodes today. The North and South Nodes (also known as Rahu and Ketu) speak of unconscious behaviors I naturally fall back into doing while also showing me my, north star, the possibility of who I am yet to become in this lifetime. Today I am fixated on this compass point of my chart that speaks of my fallback behaviors and my design and desire to be something beyond the innate self. Finally, I am gaining more understanding. This is something I have struggled with ever since I found them in my studies.

My astrological natal chart (a map of the planetary movements at the time of my birth) tells me I am happy to play second fiddle and lurk in the shadows remaining unseen; this is my comfort point. I am the peacekeeper who wants peace no matter the personal cost. I am moving beyond this. My problem is in this life I promised to show the world who I was with no fear and embracing the courage to be 100% true to me, all my idiosyncrasies, individuality, and uniqueness on display. In doing this devotion each day the shadows are receding and blinding light is before me. This scares me. To stand under a spotlight where all my faults are on display is frightening. The kick is I have never allowed myself to see what might be good and kind about me.

Today the end whisper of the chant was an order to be “seen” for who I am.

Chant

As I start today, I feel a smoothness in the voice that has not been there before; mind you it still is not a harmonious or a melodic sound but for me not as raw.

As the chant moves on, I feel a balance between the body sides of right and left, I am centered. The feet are flat and not gripping the carpet for a change. Then my nemesis appears, and we enter the silent round. My body starts to fidget, which I now know I have a choice in every moment to change and every time I am drawn to the imbalance, I smooth it out.

Towards the end of the chant when my voice comes in again beyond the whisper, I feel an increase in the power of my voice, both in tone and volume. The louder my voice comes in the more the sensation and word of “Seen” is felt within me. My practice is helping me to be more comfortable with who I am no matter what I see as deficiencies on my behalf. I have had the twin desire to be seen and yet not seen. It is now time to be okay with my own approval and have this be enough at any given point allowing me to rise beyond my perceived disapproval from others. I am enough, as me, is something I was born to learn.

Reflection

Beyond my reflection so far in this writing comes the realization of never knowing when and what will be a last time; you cannot know until it happens, and you are beyond that point in time. I am learning you can still miss a last time unless you reflect on life. This has come to the forefront of my mind because of a show I watched last night. The characters in the show, did not know they had already had their last family holiday until the one they had next which was not. They had not known they had already had the last one; the last experience. For me personally I did not realize my middle child had moved out permanently until a year later. We had dropped him off at the University he was going to at the time, but I thought he would be home to live in the holidays. I thought we had more time to have with him at home, but we did not! He was grown, gone, and living his life (and I am proud of him). I had not seen the last time moment before it was too late. I could only spot it when I stopped to reflect on life (and when my other son needed a desk, and my husband said he could have his brothers). Up to that point I thought he would be back to live with us.

This made me think about what this means for me in life. With the nudge to be seen and to be brave embracing new experiences would this be the last time this version of me existed? Peace before the storm. Truth is the changes I am feeling may not be seen by others, but they are by me. I am becoming more comfortable to be me with no mask, true to the self.

I want a life of abundance and joy. Is my time of not embracing my truth done? What will happen when I am finally seen for who I am? I guess I will not know the answers until I am brave enough to follow my soul’s urges. Have I reached my last time on any of my soul’s lessons or am I on the merry-go-round waiting for a new iteration of an old lesson to learn or will a new lesson emerge? Either way what ‘was” has already gone and with it that version of me. Today I like to think I can meet an old problem with a new attitude and knowledge.

Card

I was feeling curious today, so I asked the cards “What was I born to be?’ Nothing like asking a complicated question and expecting all the answers in a single card draw!

My mind was thinking of the bigger spiritual cards in the pack, and I was answered with the cards Bee and Raccoon. Raccoon was hiding behind the Bee.

Both cards are simple reminders of being earnest and hardworking. To be sensitive and live a thoughtful life being open to the subtle nuances held within. To embrace a joyful nature and my creativity. To watch what mask I wore so they would not limit me or create a false me. A reminder that I am who I am, and I should celebrate this for there is only one of me in this world, just like there is only one of you.

I am enough just as I am.

Simple is often the best.

See you tomorrow for day 32.