Finding My Voice

Day Two

This is my lived experience of my human design crossed with a Kundalini chant and the following is my embodied results.

Intention

Today I was starting later than I wanted and I thought I could pre-prepare what would come up in today’s session and get a handle on what I could write. Ideas and notions in the mix with words I wanted are being written before I even started. That did not help because actually doing the chant brought in something entirely different. Once again this is me sneakily trying to control and know the outcomes. In other words, take all the magic from life.

The struggle to begin is real. I tell myself that before I begin “I MUST” (don’t know about you but when I MUST do something I am already in control mode). It was I must phone my mum and a whole laundry list of items knowing deep within myself that this would push my chant back into the afternoon adding extra pressure to myself that I do not need. I had a hard go time today. I needed to be out of home by midday.

I compromised. I drink my shake, take my asthma preventive medication (this spring day is full of triggers). That is, it. My list has been shortened. I begin.

Beginning

As I begin the chant, I call and recall myself into the present moment and anchor into who I am.

When I want to be truly embodied and present, I call upon the four angles of my Astrological Natal chart. As I go into my meditation I am held strongly by the roots of balance and harmony. This allows me to find a steadiness and an equilibrium that centers me. Moving to my next anchor point, I embrace a sense of purpose that is there for me when I embrace my individuation and individuality. I am fed by the winds of curiosity of life, and I am guided to help see and seek. I am deeply grounded in these aspects of myself, I am fully present in the moment. I feel deeply held by all that I am, and I begin.

Reflection

Once again, I am grateful that time goes quickly. My voice still strains and my throat aches at the start. Today for some reason I thought this would be better. Today as I chant, I hear the warbling of my voice, a voice full of tremors and I am reminded I do not have a pleasant singing voice. Today my voice is really unpleasing, and I am reminded how much my husband hates it when I sing. I am then reminded that when it was time for choir at school, I had trouble harmonizing and I with a handful of others were rejected and sent back to class. (Rejected is a harsh word but it is what I felt). Then I feel gratitude that it is only the dogs, and I at home to hear me chant or what I feel is a screech.

I am reminded during the meditation of a decal sticker I recently spotted on a car informing me “Speak Up Even When your voice shakes.” This has me thinking is this why I have a challenging time committing to regular writing and publishing practice. Do I think because my voice is unsteady and cannot harmonize that my voice is not valid? I think on the words that call me to speak regardless of the shake. It is then that I acknowledge that when a voice shakes it is because it is full of emotion and full of meaning for the person struggling to articulate and that is because what they have to say is important for them. Could this mean that expressing my voice is important for me? Or Am I trying too hard to make meaning out of everything? Am I worried about my voice being discordant and out of step with the world?

Final Piece

I draw a card asking the question “What does my voice want to tell me?” and again, I am disappointed with the answer. I was hoping for something to tell me my voice was important. I was hoping it would tell me I have something worth saying!

I drew the Moth. A plain old moth. Not a butterfly of transformation but a moth! Period done.

Then I realize I am falling into the trap of underestimating the ordinary, mundane and the peace that this brings.

At first, I was confused about how the moth is impulsive, hasty, and wishful. Is this card telling me to be more impulsive or less? Is it wanting flights of fantasy the whimsical or less. Do I act too hasty or not at all? I began to see this card is important.

The card encourages enthusiasm and embracing the whimsical as a rebalancing tool. I have the thought that I do tend to suck all the joy out of the things I do in order to be safe.

This card is also a reminder that easy solutions or thinking life is better somewhere else is not the answer. It reminds me that shiny and new is a distraction and if I want to balance myself how about finishing a project I have started. A reminder that life is complex and so is my voice. It is not a one and done there are many layers and that applies to what my voice wants and needs. It is a reminder that life is full of “trials and tribulations” and maybe I should allow my voice the chance to experiment. Life is a mixture of the ordinary and extraordinary and it is all right for me to move between these states.

The moth is gently reminding me no matter how much my voice shakes I need to give voice and express my truth. I am reminded that by doing this I am practicing and stretching my ability to communicate. I am honing my message.

A plain moth is as impressive as a beautifully colored butterfly. I am now grateful that the Moth came to me today.

This is the end of day two. I will be here tomorrow for day three.