Queen of Self Sabotage

I am working with a mentor for this 40-day devotional practice. I am working with Leah Braithwaite and her Soul Rx program. When working with Leah she tunes into my Human Design, my intention, and her Kundalini training to find a kriya that best suits my needs and goals. This chant is by design and with intent to work with me to help facilitate the change I want. This devotional practice has been picked specifically for me.

This writing is recording my lived experience of my human design, Kundalini, and Soul Rx practice. The following are my embodied results for the 40 days I have committed to.

Day Thirty-Three

Today is the day to put down the crown for Queen of Justification (I have a reason for everything I do, and I can spend one dollar a hundred times and convince myself it is the same dollar I started with) and anoint myself Queen of Sabotage.

The day started with a broken promise to do my devotion first up. In doing my devotion first it would free the rest of the day to organize my home and do housework in preparation for my family coming home. The day did not go as planned and I had a litany of excuses not to do what needed doing or to stick to what I wanted to achieve.

I awoke to my dogs barking. It was not their standard bark; it was one that called for my attention, and I needed to investigate. The day started with the rescue of a blue tongue lizard from my three dogs who had it trapped. This was not the beginning I had planned. I moved further off course as I proceeded to waste time on the computer (found out that the blue tongue represented personal growth, self-realization, and communication). Decided I had not read my book for a while, so I needed to read it then and there, convincing myself I had time. Then I washed my hair. Went to town to pick up something I “needed” and a few other things. Then I began the chant in the midafternoon. It was like running the gauntlet, creating havoc and traps so I might trip myself up and stop myself from reaching day 40.

I started my kriya and my mind took over. This devotion does not count because I am not reverent enough, it does not count because its imperfect, it does not count because my mind is organizing what comes next and not on what I am doing. Guess what? I am counting today simply because it is done! Was it the smoothest or the most solemn serene chant I have ever done? No! Was it the most hectic or one I have stumbled through? No! Is it done? Yes!

Chant

Today my mind ran riot with all the things that needed doing instead of practicing my devotion. It was time to spin my wheels and get nowhere. I did manage to quieten down and noticed that my feet were hot and heavy, feeling like they were part of the floor. I take this as a win that I am becoming more grounded.

Reflection

It came time to reflect on my practice and to see if I had any insights. Then my day of interruptions continued. I watered the grass. Did a tarot reading. Called my daughter. Argued with my vacuum robot cleaner, packed the dishwasher. Broke a glass and did a load of washing. It was a day I was certain this writing was not going to happen. Today it looks like I do not want to complete my 40-day goal.

Today by doing my practice the list of what was achievable completely disappeared. I had planned meditation, writing and housework. Almost nothing on my list of what needs to be done is completed!

I am stubborn though and I will share something from today in a written format, even if it is only my frustration at myself. Once again, I wonder where did my time go?

Today I was inducing my own anxiety, and it is time for me to remember to reign myself back in. It is a reminder to keep life simple, do one job at a time and stop borrowing trouble by trying to do too much and failing. I need to focus on what is in front of me and leave the rest until I can get to it. My focus and priority are still these 40 days, and the rest will have to wait. I always admire watching retail workers who can be surrounded by customers but seem to have blinkers on them and only deal with the person in front of them, giving them 100 percent of their attention. I would be flustered by being aware of everyone and serving no one.

When I look at this, I can see it was giving into my anxiety and not having my priorities clearly worked out that had led to a less than focused practice. It is the reminder to be fully present with what I am doing, when doing it, and leave the rest behind. If I had done that, I would have had less interruptions. I would have done what I needed and been able to move on to the next. In not creating a clear priority I allowed in distractions as I teetered back and forward between what needed doing.

Card

As today was a day for self-sabotage I was curious to know what insight the cards could give to my priorities.

I asked, “What should my priorities be?”

Interestingly enough Lamb fell out. Breaking my own rule, that whatever card comes is the one for me, I decided I did not want this one! I put it back into the deck and shuffled again. In reshuffling all the cards wanted out and to have a say. When I finally drew my card, it was yet again the Lamb.

Lamb — peaceful, prophetic, patient

Lamb is the reminder that I need to prioritize my time by embracing stillness and to listen to my voice within and act on the message I receive. Lamb wants me to be honest and truthful with what I can do and what needs doing. I needed to be open to receiving messages that can guide me in my priorities. In making a promise to do these 40 days it is more sacred, therefore coming first in what I need to do. Today I do not think I was in listening mode; I was stuck in sabotage by being concerned with everything but this practice.

Lamb ends by saying to balance I need meditation and to listen. This is a reminder that this practice is important. It is a subtle reminder I am close to my goal and to keep going.

I finish day 33 I am left with a knowing that it is in listening or not listening to the self that I am the author of my misery and distress or contentment and joy in life.

See you tomorrow for day 34.