Life Lesson — Shadow Side of Love

Shadow Side of Love

Through life we experience many emotions and one of the toughest is Grief.

Grief is the shadow side to love, a price we pay willingly, or not. It is the toll demanded by the ferryman to have had love in our life. The price is high.

Grief is an emotion I have trouble processing.

When my father lay dying from the insidiousness of cancer, I was 22, I could not process the loss or the emotional cost. Every time I visited my father I would be in tears. I choked back what was to come, mourning the man he had been, reconciling the shell that he was now, and raging at the future we would not have together. I did not make the most of the time I had left with him. My father never judged me but I did judge myself. Why couldn’t I be strong! I run from uncomfortable emotions, this (at this point of time in my life) was the biggest and the worst I had experienced! I could not give it a voice and instead I swallowed what was in my heart.

Grief comes in many forms and each shatters the heart. In each moment of grief we have the unenviable choice, of growing stronger and continuing to love, or to wall ourselves away from love and life in the mistaken belief that we will be protected from pain.

Grief is not limited to losing our human loved ones, although the pain of this is unbearable and life changing. Grief is not limited to endings, completions of chapters of our lives such as becoming an empty nester, end of friendships, or change of jobs/career. Grief hits hard no matter what circumstance we are in or who or what we lose from our life. Grief is limitless and honors no boundary.

When our beautiful Hector’s time came, I vowed I would be there and would open myself to the full cost. His life was worth the price. He had given so much to us. He had enriched our lives in ways that it is hard to express. Was the grief less because he was viewed by others as only a pet? For me he was another child (even if his skin was covered in fur). I knew his loss would bring me to my knees, and unlike my earlier self, this time for him, I would give myself over to grief and pay the cost. I would honor his life.

The best way for me to process my emotions is through writing. On his last day I sat with him, I patted and cossetted him, and I wrote.

I am choosing to share this moment of grief from my life with you.

May you always know that Love is worth the grief for our happiness in loving is priceless.

HECTOR

The words of the song enter my mind and go around and around. “Come on baby make it hurt so good, sometimes love doesn’t feel like it should”. The hours trickle to minutes and I know you will be gone soon; the beautiful, magnificent soul of our Hector.

The tears stream down my face. I cannot see the page before me. I know if I was to keep you any longer it would be greed on my part. I want you forever, your personality, your soul, your incorrigible ways. Just the way you know you are my human child not my fur baby. You know the dogs outside are pets, but you rank above all, for you were born to be a child of our family. Just in case you have a back-up-plan, and you know if you are not a human you are a magnificent black stallion. You are a being of great taste and refinement.

I love if you escaped from home, you only had one direction, and that was towards your Ma and Pa. You did not like any walk that did not go that way and you would resist.

It guts me, destroys my soul, that we have made this decision on your behalf. That sad look you gave when I brought you home after a short ride today said it all; I think you know it is your time. You haven’t eaten for nearly three days, and you are so weak, stepping up onto the veranda made you collapse, and you didn’t reach your goal. So, I scooped you into my arms and helped you. I have no idea how I will do this today, but I know I must, and I will show courage and hold your paw to the end.

I will miss your knocks on the bed and door letting me know you needed in or out. I will miss your silent stalking and failed attempts to scare the sheep from your side of our fence. I will miss your presence just knowing you are there. Your appreciation for the color black and the look that said good choice. Your love of food that has gone. You checking in on me as I go to bed; just to see if I am coming back to the lounge room or going to bed for the night. You coming to my room in the morning for a pat as soon as you heard the sheets and covers go back on the bed (although you have not done this for a while). Your happy go lucky nature that just wants to go for a ride. The way everybody feared you because of your breed but loved you when they met you. Your own unique style of playing. The way you hate getting your feet wet or the way you star fished your body so I couldn’t put you in the bath.

The weather raged last night, and the sky cried torrential tears, I think the world knew our turmoil and our fading hopes and raged with us.

The last year has been tough, and you have fought so hard, how can we not give you this gift of freedom? I don’t want to, but I think you need us to do this for you, so for you I will grow the courage to set you free. This cost is high, but I pay the price. My heart is shattering but it is the price for loving well and in turn you make my heart stronger so I will love again. Losing you sucks but the years we had you (11 years 5 months and 27 days) are worth this price; you have taught me this. I would never wish the pain away if it meant you had never been ours. This is the price I willingly pay so you could be family.

Our home will not be the same without you; you filled it with so many memories. No chip packet could be opened no matter how deep your sleep without you getting up and demanding your share. The excitement at the words “are you ready” and being dragged next door by your leash. The words “who is it” and the jump to attention or “Aaron” and you looking out the window (it took you a long time to stop looking for him when we returned home from a trip… you would search for Aaron).

We have loved you then, we love you now and will always love you. You have been a blessing to our family. Rest in peace Hector. Find the peace and joy of the other side and leave the pain behind. Find your ability to run free again. You will always live within me, and I will always miss you.

I hope heaven will give you an automatic door so you can stand with the door open and the breeze blowing in your face without anyone getting inpatient with you.

Love you Hector Bear.

After Shock Reality Bites

Your head became so heavy as the soul left and your head slowly made my hands go down. I could not stop stroking your fur. So unsure that you had gone but I was assured you had peacefully departed this world.

Today is a new day and this new day bought me to my knees by the simplest thing … you didn’t greet me at the door. I am so heartbroken I truly never understood how much that meant. You have been the one constant in my life for so long. I can only pray and dream that you are truly at peace now. Remember my Hector Bear you live forever in my Heart. I will stop crying one day soon but that is not today.

Forgive me for leaving you out in the cold and wet for it is not where you belong. My soul knows you are not there but my mind and body cannot forget the feel of your fur so it destroys me to know you rest in the wet ground, but I couldn’t send you to the fires to burn either. I know that is no longer you, but I grieve, and my mind focuses on the small things so I can get comfortable with your loss. One day in the future we will meet again and until then you live in a safe place held dear deep within my heart. I will continue to greet you at the front door every day.

Love your human Mother.