Joy and Strength

I opened myself to chanting and challenged myself to do the 40 days. Why 40 days because this is what needed to clear and create something new. This writing is recording my lived experience of my practice. The following is day 35 experience.

Day Thirty-Five

It is becoming a theme of not wanting to do what I know I have committed to. I find other things to occupy my time and then panic that I am going to mess it up. If I am honest with myself this is a pattern I have in life, and in doing this devotional practice it is coming to light. It is becoming more corporeal and less intangible, hazy, and hidden. I am realizing this pattern does not serve me, it keeps me in a holding pattern, stuck in life. This is something I need to resolve.

Today the words Strength and Joy come to the forefront and want their time in the spotlight. I can feel the physical strength by how I am held in the chant grounded into my body. Today I felt joy when I smiled. It is time to see what role they play in my life.

Chant

It is so hard to hold my third eye gaze during the chant. My eyes need constant rest as they are constantly flickering beneath my eyelids, and the strain is too much. Suddenly the purple light floods and flows towards me. I then remember that I am meant to be pulling light down through the crown chakra to flow out the third eye. If the purple is moving swiftly towards me what does this mean for me and my practice? Are the two flows entwined like ebbing and flowing or has one swamped the other? I release and accept what is, is. I am always happy to see the violet color for it is nearly the only thing I sense and see with my mind’s eye.

I have constant chatter in my mind today and I have decided I need to allow and practice nonattachment. It is hard to allow thoughts to float past without wanting to catch each and every one! Today am not dealing with each thought I am allowing them to pass. When I am driven to deal with each thought my anxiety levels increase, and I am not doing that today.

I also noticed that when I smiled while chanting it felt lighter, and more Joy filled devotion which is a change from the more solemn practice I usually have. Then I ponder how facial expressions change the way we feel and how something is.

Reflection

Joy is something I have chased in life. I have been a seeker for a long time now. I am now beginning to see by chasing elusive ideals creates something I must do that detracts from who I am by giving me a task I can never complete. By giving myself a quest for things I think I need in life I blinker myself to the fact it is already there.

I have wanted to find what it means to be joyful but, in the search, I have let it become hard work. Joy is finding great pleasure in something, and I have found this to be elusive. The more I search the harder it is to find. It is intangible and hard to quantify as joy will be defined by the individual who seeks her.

When I consider what I have written I realize that I find joy in taking time to do things like this 40-day devotional challenge. I find joy in esoteric modalities. I find joy was always there within me and sometimes to invoke it all I need to do is smile.

Strength is new to the table and now contributes to the whole of me. It is not something I have ever considered to be a part of who I am. In these 40 days it is taking strength of character to keep showing up. It is taking mental strength to hold my course. I am becoming emotionally stronger as I face my fears and share this journey. My soul and spirit are being strengthened in doing this practice. Even if I was unaware until now strength is becoming who I am. I physically feel the strength in my body as I chant. This is the most grounded I have ever been.

Joy, I have been searching for it only to find it is already part of me. Strength was not something I thought I possessed until I allowed it to surface. Strength and Joy have awoken in me, and I am only just beginning to see what this will mean in my life.

Card

What could I ask today? I thought for a while and decided I need more insight into two integral parts of me, “What can you tell me about my joy and strength?”

Owl came forward.

Owl — Abundance, clairvoyant, treasures

My joy and strength are found in my otherworldly pursuits; that of occult, spiritual, and esoteric in nature. Pursuing and actively seeking this information makes me joyful and I love to share with others what I have learned. It takes strength of character for me to share as I can fear rejection for my offbeat ideas. I find joy in card readings; I love to shuffle and when I relax, I love the challenge of finding and reading the story lines. I find typing and writing the stories the card tells fulfilling. I find a sense of peace that can be missing in my life when I live life according to what I think others expect from me. In sharing what I learn takes strength of character for my interests are not mainstream.

Joy and strength are the source of my abundance, a link to the arcane and clairvoyant and where I find what I treasure most. My joy and strength are key to my seeing and knowing. It is in sharing my joy and strength that brings generosity and trust into my life.

Joy and Strength are what I need to rely on to build the life I want.

See you tomorrow for day 36.