Itchiness of a Soul

This 40-day practice is by design and with intent. I have previously done 40 days of chanting before. I have done them in group settings and by myself, but this chant has been picked with me in mind. My first impulse is always to learn something for myself, but this practice has me placing my trust in another.

I am working with Leah Braithwaite and her Soul Rx program. When working with Leah she tunes into my Human Design, my intention, and her Kundalini training to find a chant tuned specifically to help me achieve my goals.

This writing is recording my lived experience of my human design, Kundalini, and Soul Rx practice. The following are my embodied results for the 40 days I have committed to.

Day Twenty-Six

This is day twenty-six and I am well over halfway to completing my practice. I feel jubilation and yet I fear I will not achieve what I set out to do. My practice is now in the realm of achievable and I wonder how will I sabotage myself? I am good at that.

Before today’s chant I scribbled a note to myself “Why are you doing this?” I am intrigued that when I re-read what I have written; I have spoken of myself in the third person. The real question is “Why am I doing this chant?” I start with this question rattling in my mind.

Chant

Today I just go with the flow. The music is louder than I like but I am enjoying the way the vibration fills me, and I will not pause to lower the volume. I am doing this chant and what will be, will be.

Reflection

While the question of “Why?” fills my mind during the chant another part of me splits into possibilities. My mind takes me back to my discussion with Leah concerning aspects of my human design. I ponder on parts of my design that are conscious and subconscious actions found within my undefined root chakra. I am becoming aware of how the gates within this area have played out in my life. My practice is the tool that allows me to see what needs to be acknowledged or changed and Sa Ta Na Ma helps me facilitate what it is I need.

The root chakra is karmic fueled and helps me to see why I have felt awkward, uncomfortable. This part of my designs speaks to why I often think others do not like me and I resort to saying sorry even when it is not my fault. It helps me to see that my response to disapproval is to become quieter, or I overcompensate filling the uneasy silence. I reflect on the part of my design that acts unconsciously as a catalyst for others who react simply to me being near and I know it is one of the “Whys” of doing this practice. I needed to see this part of me for it to come to life.

It was a relief finding out I am a catalyst because it feels like a validation of my experiences in life where I have felt others have overreacted to my presence. It also explains my response of wanting to make myself smaller and not draw the attention of others disapproving reactions (it is hard for me to disappoint and yet I do it so easily). I am learning that this behavior may have led to the one thing I desire to resolve from this practice, and it is to create peace with my body. The kicker is in not doing what I was born to do I feel my physical body has compensated and weighed me down making me physically larger. I am learning in this 40-day container that I spark within

others a response of either liking me or finding some level of discomfort in my presence. I am learning that this is okay and making peace with it. I had a boss once and I could see the sound “Shhh” run through his mind and in the look, he gave me. He did not know how to deal with me, other than to ask me to be what I was not. I inspire an itchiness of the soul, and I find comfort in knowing it was something with which I was born with and my purpose to create these moments in others.

Another part of my design tells me to dream big and inspire others to do the same. A third part tells me I consciously feel the pull to find stillness and balance in life. When I do not achieve stillness, it translates as feelings of being stuck, mired, and weighed down not knowing what I should do. I have felt stuck for years, now I have a starting point to alleviate and transform this. In finding stillness I can move beyond the stuckness that holds me, and I can step into a deep peace that belongs in the foundation of who I am.

All of this is in answer to my practice and what I seek from it. I am finding an understanding and acceptance of myself.

Card

My mind is full of questions and yet unable to settle on one. Today it is impossible to still myself and I see how this is linked to my human design. Stillness is how I become unstuck in life. Something to ponder on.

The question “What can you tell me about this practice and me?” It is so ironic that the card I pulled echoes all that I have written about today.

Phoenix is my response.

Phoenix — freedom from suffering past karma, reincarnation

This is a card telling me I am dealing with past karma and allowing all the impurities to burn away through performing a practice of dedication, to me this is what my 40 days is about. It is a reminder to live with a consciousness that goes beyond my fears and to stop running from who I was born to be. The kicker is when the message reads from the book “The stuckness and dead weight fall into the ashes and lightness and clarity emerge.” This line speaks directly to my human design.

Phoenix is associated with the root chakra and the home of karma. All I have written about in my human design relates to this chakra. I am learning I am not for everyone and not everyone is for me. I am learning to embrace this about myself. I am left wanting to find the stillness in me and inspire lived dreams for myself and others. I am learning it is okay if I make others uncomfortable and it is not a reflection on who I am as a person. I may awaken them but whatever arises is theirs to learn.

See you tomorrow for day 27.