Grieving a Death of a Dream

Dear Soul

Dear Soul, have you ever felt the death of a dream dying before you could understand what was in your heart and you did not know what you held. A glimpse of love that sputters and dies. Have you ever felt this? Have you ever felt that you have given so much that you no longer know who and what you are? It is tough. It is tough because I know it has not been asked of me, but I did it anyway. I cannot hold others responsible for the loss of my dream for I gave it away unknowingly, unasked, and even willingly never understanding the full cost.

I bought the dream and fought for it, the one that was in front of me when I was young, I did not know that I would need to release and let go. I thought I would have it forever. I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I wanted it to escape and to create a world where I would be forever loved.

No one asked me to be what I was not that was all me and I find this a tough pill to swallow!

I searched for connection and belonging, allowing myself to be absorbed and abandoned by the person I was born to be and worst of all I did it to myself! It was not asked of me. I placed all my happiness onto the shoulders of others and allowing my value to be decided by what I thought others thought of me. I never allowed life to sort and sift, to craft what I could be. I wanted approval from everyone and for this I must be what everyone wants! I am now learning that was a very unrealistic expectation to have. By living life our experiences helps to sort who and what should be in our world. Through experience and being honest we can see that not everything in this world is meant for one person and we each come with our own dreams, needs, and desires. All of this crafted to each individual. I have found I need to be willing to let go of what hurts me and keeps me stunted if I wish to be able to dream again.

I have placed too much expectation on others to be everything to me! This is a heavy load to place on another. How can they fulfill what I do not know? To place my complete happiness on others is a burden they should not have to bear. If I am lonely then it is my responsibility to do something about it. Loving me should not cost others their dreams but their dreams should not cost me my life. Love is compromise but compromise does not mean I am the only one who does.

I am lucky! I do have a good life, and I know in my Heart I am loved but part of me is lonely and lost. My ability to dream and do forever encased in a cocoon that my wings cannot free me of. I have sat in this soup of life trying to rebuild me only to have it collapse time and time again. I have relied heavily on others to make me happy, and this has come at a cost. Yes, I am loved but who am I? What did I dream of when I entered this world? Love can be fragile walking the line of being true to myself, remaining present and being aware of others’ desires and wants without completely sacrificing my dreams. It is hard not to repress my wants when faced with what others desire. Remaining present and honest is a way forward, but I know I have withdrawn lately, and I am not sure if this is a punishment or just me trying to find who I am!

These are tough lessons in life. It is good and kind to think of others, but never at the expense of the self. I struggle to know my “Why” and not knowing this has me act the chameleon. A person of no depth but incredible adaptability. Time is against me now for I am not in my youth, and I am reaching towards my crone years. The word crone does not scare me, it speaks of wisdom, but have I gained any? What scares me the most is if I never dream again or I have lost the ability to wonder about what if and what could be!

The one thing I know from writing this is that I am lucky I have a loving partner, and I know it was him and I before what we created, and life got in the way. Is this what I am reaching back for? Am I wanting to reboot life? I would not change our past because we have created a family I love, and I would never undo these souls for they add much to my world. What I would do is push myself to be more honest and truer with what I desire; I would not place my happiness and wellbeing completely on them.

I had a dream but now is the time to surrender to something new. It grieves my soul to let go, but it only holds me back. In letting go and grieving my loss I am opening myself to something new and this is what I am looking towards now. This is becoming my north star guiding my life.

It is good to have had a dream. It is good to let it go. In doing this I am showing faith in my ability that I will dream again and find a new path forward. In grieving a death of a dream, I have the new hope of a rebirth of something infinitely newer and a chance to be awed by “maybe” and “if” two words that spark the imagination. I am grateful for all that has happened in my life, the perceived good, the bad and ugly. Without all that has come before I could not be who I am now. In asking in a new dream at this moment I am endless possibility, and it all starts in grief.

Yours in love and light

Rebecca

Dear Soul Wisdom