Finding My Voice

A 40 Day Challenge

This is my lived experience of my human design crossed with a Kundalini chant and the following is my embodied results.

Day Nine

Day nine has been a struggle to get me to sit in front of my laptop and write. I have overshare and imposter syndrome. This is where I think there is nothing valuable in my writing and it is a vanity thinking I have anything worthy of being shared. I remind myself we all have doubts, and this is a way for me to practice being true to who I am and that includes writing about this experience. If nothing else, it sharpens my creative and writing skills.

I realize it is through the creative writing process and working out what I want to say that allows me to focus on what wisdom can be found in my daily practice. This practice supports me by helping me analyze what is happening inside of me. Writing is an integral in helping me to find if there are lessons or no lessons, if there is new wisdom or not. Writing helps to focus and to see. Doing this helps my lesson of the day to really sink within me, absorbing what I need to embody and learn. It is also confirmation that I did something good for me.

The Chant

Daily chanting can feel like the movie “Ground Hog Day.” I do the same practice every day. The exact same chant for 40 consecutive days to be exact.

Today during the silent chanting, I felt my jaw aching. I am clenching my jaw a lot this year. To release this, I start to mouth the words without sound, and then I wonder if I was meant to be doing this all along. My jaw feels better, and I move between mouthing words and not. Now I have created an issue for myself that was not there before. Am I meant to mouth the words?

I have a pattern in life where I constantly create problems out of nothing. I do this more than I like in my life. This way by creating problems I get to hold myself back, stuck in a holding pattern. I remember watching the second movie in the Die Hard franchise and there was one line that has stayed with me over these many years that feels like my life. The scene is at the airport and the planes cannot land and this line is uttered “Stack them pack them and rack them.” This is what it feels like being stuck in the stress reaction of freezing. I vibrate on the spot unable to move forward in life. When I find my life is finding traction and forward momentum, I will find a problem to stall me.

On another note, within my practice today it felt like my heart was singing the words. It felt like I was being re-tuned and in turn tuning in to something greater.

Reflection

When it is time for me to reflect on what I received from my practice today I find I want to understand what my clenched jaw is about. Is it about me developing a voice and not holding back? I have a feeling the message is from a deep subconscious part of me ready to come into the light. It is tiring holding my voice at bay. I am learning I need to rely on my body signals to show me what I need to work on. I am hopeful that my writing practice is helping to give voice to my thoughts and insights and by doing this I can ease some pressure from my tight jaw.

Throughout the day I reflect on my journaling. I have some Aha moments. I see that I often want to take myself out of the equation, out of life, before I have begun. I need to remind myself that I am living this life, and what I receive from life is what I put in. So, I am here sharing and integrating all that I have learned so far.

I was listening to my favorite podcast (shout out to Suzanne at The Nope Coach) and I hear Suzanne say. “Why are you doing what you are doing? Are you washing the dishes just to wash the dishes?” This settles deep in me, and I start to question my motives. Why do I do what I do? Most of my life the answer to this is obligation and responsibility and that is okay, but why do I do or not do the rest? This quest for motivation is the key for me to embody and act on what I am learning. Am I sharing just to share, and the answer is no. I share because I enjoy the creative process of writing, and this gives me the opportunity and container to do it within. I do this because I find happiness and joy in both this sharing practice and my chant.

Another insight drops as I write this, and it is linking today’s observations with yesterday’s take away wisdom. This links another piece to tie it all together. As long as I live and speak my truth, I can have faith in what I do. As long as I am doing them from the right internal motivations, I can find contentment in life.

See you tomorrow for day 10.