Done to be Done.

A 40 Day Challenge

This is my lived experience of my human design crossed with a Kundalini chant and the following is my embodied results.

Day Eleven

Day eleven of practice meets the eleventh month, I like this symmetry.

Today I am in a hurry. I must get this done so I can clear space in my day. Not the best outlook to start a devotional practice.

The Chant

I light my candles and settle on my yoga meditation cushions. I take the time to call all my senses to where I sit, becoming aware of being in the present moment. My meditation pre-chant check is done. I start. Halfway through the first round of chanting aloud I realize I have not opened with the Adi Mantra (a salutation that connects me to the higher consciousness). Today without this I think my practice is a waste of time and it will not work. Now I am feeling the need to stop and restart, after all I am only minutes in. Another part of me soothes and says keep going, imperfect and done beats perfect and not started any day. This is not reassuring for my busy mind no matter how truthful.

Soon after the war that erupts in my head telling me to stop, go back and I am wasting time, the words, “Release” and “Dissolve” come into my consciousness. I have control issues and find these to be a helpful reminder. I continue although my mind will not let go now it knows it has something to hang onto. I feel the urge to release and flow but my mind can be like a steal trap especially when it has found my flaws. I continue and surrender to my mistake embracing the suggestion to release and dissolve.

Reflection

When I reflect on my practice, I realize I have not shown enough respect. I have given lip service. Hurried through pre warm up stretches. I have spoken words just to have spoken them. Today it feels like I have done my practice just so it is done to be done, and I do not have to default back to day one and begin again.

All this leaves me questioning will today count when there is not enough reverence for what I do. Does a prayer count if it is only lip service? Do I need to be careful of the intention behind what I do? I know the answer before I finish typing. Yes, it does matter. My intention might have been co-opted today but this practice still counts because I believe in what I am doing. Was my practice as powerful as it could be when showing proper reverence and respect and the answer is no. Today I have made this practice just another chore to drag me down.

This has me thinking about how I show up in life. I can be rigid with the need to control. I am starting to see It is much better to do something from a place of joy instead of from a place of obligation. Obligation is a heaviness I wear in my body. My nature can be obsessive and overwhelming (if life is easy, I will make it complicated), I think about the words that came through today and an answer for this very problem. I need to release and dissolve my need for control, letting go of the rigidness that comes with this.

When I feel obligation arising within me and the need to overcomplicate, I need to collect myself and breathe. Hopefully by creating a pause I am giving myself time to surrender and adopt a new attitude to what I am doing and inviting joy to work with me.

I need to learn how to surrender and flow with life so I can reconnect to finding joy.

Joy keeps appearing and this becomes another one of my core values.

Card

I need a solution for learning how to flow with life. I ask, “How do I learn to flow with life?” The answer is the Sea Serpent.

The Sea Serpent tells me it is about healing emotional wounds and learning to express my desires. This leads to the question “What is it I desire?”

This card is telling me to learn to express myself through emotion, creativity, and sensuality. To ask for what I really want in life. Sounds easy enough except my body totally froze starting with heart, stomach and completely shut down upon hearing I must ask for what I want. I believe others should just know. I am uncomfortable with this, and this tells me it is where I need the most work to be done to help create the balanced life I want.

Sea Serpent suggests that if I wish to flow with life, I must get real with my ability to express who I am and what I want. The Sea Serpent also wants me to put away self-judgment and the best way to start this is by forgiving. I have lost touch with my inner voice; I need to forgive myself for allowing my voice and desire to be swallowed and forgotten.

The simplest step I can see that I can take is to find joy in whatever I do in life. It is the first and smallest step. Tomorrow, I need to find joy in the chant and release the part of me that is making it an obligation that needs to be done so I can get to where I want to be. Goodness knows where that is because I have not allowed myself to look at my inner desires. I can pay lip service and give surface level answers, but I have never truly allowed myself to look for what I want. Maybe I consider asking for what I want as selfishness on my behalf. My personal desires might be counter to those I love.

The Sea Serpent is linked to the sacral chakra which might be a starting point in my next session with Leah. Maybe I need to look at the Human Design component and what it can tell me about flowing with life.

Going forward I will find joy in what I do and learn to dream again.

See you tomorrow for day 12.