Disjointed and Disruptive

Today is hard and it is only proving to myself that I am worth keeping a promise to that has me continuing. It takes all my courage to sit light my candles and chant. This writing is recording my lived experience of my Kundalini practice and I am closing in on day 40.

Day Thirty-Six

Today I write simply because it is me keeping a promise to myself. I do not want to disappoint myself but as I write this the hours of the day are trickling away. Time is running out with the days end only two hours away.

There is a sense of disappointment and apprehension that I am writing this when I am so tired and all I want to do is slow down and rest. I feel sick that I have not written and worried that I will not meet my own deadline.

Then I remember it is about doing my best in the moment. I will always do the best I can, but this will vary from day to day. Today I am doing my best to put aside my anxiousness for this robs me of my words. Today this is the best I can do.

I will start with the chant and allow myself to revisit the day and my practice.

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Chant

My chant and devotional practice are disjointed today; I cannot find my rhythm. My house is now full of life and visitors. It was a rush to start and finish my devotional practice before everyone arrived home. Today’s chant was like a naughty little secret. I wanted to keep it private and to myself, worried about what others would think or say. Very aware of my feelings of not fitting or belonging. Feeling of dread for standing out for all the wrong reasons.

I felt anxiety linked to the vulnerability that occurs when I express myself through the chant. I am ashamed and already feeling awkward knowing my husband’s thoughts on my singing. He makes it no secret that he thinks it is awful; this is not a secret he keeps and has often expressed over the decades we have been together. This is something I choose not to take on and sing anyway, but I am now noticing that I am allowing this to make me hesitant to be heard by others.

Hugo the pug is my friend today and sits beside me as my tone drifts along the seed sounds. I am aware of his movement but mostly he stays near while I chant and create clarity in my life. It is funny I say create clarity when today is full of small and large distractions with discordant notes being struck.

My eyes are again relentless in their need to flicker and is all but impossible to remain focused on my third eye. I do not know why this is happening! Is there something in life I do not want to face, or see?

Reflection

I have not felt that I belong in many places in my life. I feel I am a chameleon changing and adapting begging for a place to belong. The truth is how can I belong when my behaviors are adaptive, and no-one can truly know me? The thing with living like this is that I cannot remember who the real Rebecca is! Can the real Rebecca please stand up.

The 40-day devotional practice was the first time I came into the light and told my family what I am doing. I realized I could not keep the practice secret. If this became another secret pattern and behavior in my life it would be too hard and limit me. I would not be able to chant unless the house was empty. I decided it would be better to share what I was doing.

I struggle to express my desires, in fact I run the other way! This practice is bringing to the forefront my habit of avoiding difficult and painful conversations or situations. I am the perennial pacifier. I hate conflict and avoid it at all cost. I just expect others to know what I want. This is extremely unfair of me, but it is part of what I need to deal with now it has become known. I am learning to manage expectations and to find the middle ground. Better still I am learning to listen with an open mind. I am learning to adapt and change with new information. I am learning when to debate my point, when to admit I am wrong and when to allow a disagreement to go. I am learning that different viewpoints are where growth happens, and it is okay not to think like others and it is all right for others to have their own view. It is okay to put down a conversation and agree to disagree.

Today on reflection it is a mixed bag that has come forward and why should I be surprised? Today was start, stop, and start again. I wanted life to get smoother the closer I got to the end of this devotional practice, but we cannot all have what we want! Instead, we often get what we need.

Card

My practice was a broken thing today. Broken and disjointed.

With confusion and reluctance ruling the day I looked to the cards for clarity. “What else do I need to see and know from today’s practice?”

Snake made a reappearance. (Snake appeared in day 34 when he reminded me to stop wasting time)

Snake — guardian of unawakened magic and creative potential.

This card seems to say see and know the unawakened potential that is within the practice and available to me. Know that this practice awakens the magic of life opening possibilities. Stop limiting the practice to expected outcomes that follow a logical progression. This card is a reminder that I am full of unawakened potential, and it is time to explore this. It is a reminder that this practice and my life are magical and an excellent opportunity to express and play with my creativity. Snake is also deeply related to kundalini and seems to encourage me to finish what I have started no matter the cost. No matter the disruptions. No matter the disjointed nature I think my devotion had.

See you tomorrow for day 37.