Dedication and Perspective

This is my lived experience of my human design crossed with a Kundalini chant and the following is my embodied results.

Day Twenty-Five

Keeping this level of dedication is hard. I have made a promise to myself; 40 days of chanting and 40 writing pieces to be shared. I am learning I am worthy of keeping my word too and doing what I have promised.

My mind tells me today if it were only the chant this would be easier for me, but I have the notion that a devotional practice should be harder, so I make it harder.

Devotion is something that comes with connotations attached which will mean something different to each individual and their perspective. A devotion could suggest for it to count it needs a sacrifice and has a cost or it could be as simple as willing to give up personal time in worship to something greater. What devotion is and means is very personalized to the individual.

I tend to make life hard for myself to prove I cannot do whatever it is anyway; having a hard practice would be the excuse I need to stop. I seem prejudice against “easy.” Looks like I can be a snob in relation to effort that counts. Easy for me suggest that there is no real value as it has just fallen into your lap with no effort. When society sprouts things like “Got off easy,” “Easy as ABC,” “Easy as taking candy from a baby” it is implied to count it must be hard, therefore hard it must be! I am the creator of my own hardships to bear. I am working on accepting flow into my life and understanding I do not need to punish myself for ease and simplicity of my devotional practice or simply being me.

Chant

I struggled with the candle today (yet again). Today I actively excavated the wick by tipping off the hot liquid wax. My candle is no longer pretty but it is lumpy and messy with a side of what the heck did you do! I remind myself that a candle’s beauty has no relation to its ability to shine light; it simply does not need to be pretty to work. On the other hand, the wick is vital for it to burn which will not happen when drowned in wax.

I forgot to chant the opening salutation which I only realize when I am already chanting. I stutter and think I need to restart so I can have perfection. Then I breathe and I am grateful that today I started meditation with a prayer, and I accept this as a compromise to the usual start. I also remind myself that the imperfect is perfection.

My mind struggled today locking onto my audible books characters and plotlines. I have just finished this series of books, and it felt like the buildup of the story, rushed to a resolution tying up of loose ends without exploration — is this what I fear I am doing here? My mind is very busy and takes conscious effort to release the litany. In the end I surrender accepting that my chant will run in tandem with a running dialogue of my mental consciousness. I decided to concentrate on the chant and not to get caught up with the rest.

Reflection

When I review what I have written I see even though I fear there will be nothing, I am learning that there is. I am finding that I am worthy, and this is why I write even when I do not know what will come to me. Each time I write I learn and acknowledge something about myself that was deep within me. Today I am learning I can have a devotional practice, and I do not have to complicate it. Next time I will not get caught up in details such as candles, I will simply move on by getting a new one and allowing the old one to rest. There are times when rescue and restoration will be important, I am learning the differences between them so I can act accordingly.

I know I tend to make things hard if they are easy because I cannot except that if it is easy, it has value. The old adage of “easy come easy go” rises within me as I write this. I come to the conclusion I fear the loss of something precious if I do not have to work hard to gain it. It seems no matter how hard I work self-value is always at play. I know I think if I can do something everyone can because …. Everyone is smarter, more capable or insert any statement that devalues the self. Every time I have this conquered it comes around in a new form.

The second part I need to review is the fact that I think a devotion should demand a high price and I need to question is this the truth? Can devotion also be given with love and flow rising above the need for hardship and endurance? Can it be both? This is something I need to give more thought to. I have learned that not all has to be hard and having easy would-be relief and a welcome change.

Card

I was curious today to see if there was a correlation between the liquid wax that I tipped out and myself. I asked, “What is my liquid wax that I am tipping out?” Bat is my reply.

“Bat — darkness, letting go, death leading to rebirth.”

The book lets me know the bat is “master of subtle senses, of the underlying forces that cause some things to prosper and others to fade,” “ending of chapter” and “encouraging us to move on.” Bat is echoing that a new chapter of my life is coming and all I need do is trust myself enough to release what does not serve me. Bat is the invitation to allow some things to fade which in turn brings new things to prosper. I am being asked to let go so I can invite in something greater. I just need to accept and adapt instead of being worried about what something should be or complicating life so much that I become still and frozen with fear. I am letting go of what I think I know, and I am welcoming what I am yet to learn.

I will heed the Bat’s call to step into the darkness and invite in a new dawn a new birth. I will live each day as it comes and release the need to control it all. I am working on surrendering my fears to find my strengths and to welcome the person I am becoming.

See you tomorrow for day 26.