Dear Soul

Entitled

Dear Soul

Entitlement — Towards a Better Me

Dear Soul, I hope that you a travelling well. For me, as usual my mind wanders into different ways of thinking and I become lost in thought. Always thinking is sometimes helpful and at other times it keeps me bound and trapped unable to move forward. This week my thinking has taken me into the area of Entitlement, which seems to be rampant in the world we now live in. Everyone is entitled to something! My question is what if we weren’t.

I have lived a very entitled life and have been heart broken when others go off script leaving me lost and confused and always this is the other persons fault. I am always trying to be a better person (Trying a topic for another day) but, I have in life struggled with my expectations of others and myself.

In the world of self-growth and development a huge concept is that of Entitlement. Entitlement is defined as having the right to something; an inherent belief that one is deserving of special treatment and privileges. I know in my life I embraced my entitlements, but I never wanted to face them or be called out. While I didn’t know better or look at them, I could ignore that maybe my expectations and feelings of entitlement might be at the root of some of my problems.

One of the biggest hurdles I faced (and still battle) in personal development and growth is that of facing what I felt and feel entitled too. Facing or even acknowledging that I have any form of entitlement tends to shut me down and turns me away from whatever it was that brought me to this point in time. I have run and hid and raged. No one wants to be told that their behavior wreaks of privilege or that you don’t deserve special treatment by simply being you!

The benefit in doing this self-work has been reclaiming my personal power. In acknowledging that I can be the author of my woes has helped me see I can reframe how I look at life and find some peace and contentment. I still get overwhelmed as I can forget this superpower, I have, and I allow myself to be martyr and victim instead of self-empowered heroine of my own story.

When you start to see that you are a co-author of your pain it can be empowering for it gives you a way to reclaim you. You are the answer to your own prayers. This concept can be hard to accept. I acknowledge that pain can come from the world we live in, bad things happen to good people as much as good things happen to people who might not be so good, for life happens to us all, but I can decide the affect this change will have on me. I get to decide how I move forward becoming unstuck to the old set pattern. I release any entitlements that keeps me bound to the old behavior, I have the power to walk away, to reframe and to accept culpability.

The world we live in is rife with entitlement. Whether we claim the entitlements of victim or the victor, martyr or the conqueror we all play our parts. If only we could all put down preconceived ideas and the right to claim whatever it is that we think is ours. What happens when we become open and we begin to truly listen to ourselves and the other; to really listen, listening with the intent to learn and be open to change. When we release the need to listen with planned answers and witty replies, we open ourselves to new dialogue. When we learn to listen with the intention of truly hearing we gain knowledge and understanding; how much better this world could be if we all did this.

My ideology and thoughts of entitlement were only formed a couple of years ago. Up to then I had never seriously given any thought to them. At that stage in my life, I was doing a personal development course of learning who I was through archetypes, and I was confronted and wounded by my mentor when she first brought my attention to my entitlements. I was exposed to this idea that I was not entitled to a set of certain behaviors from others for simply being who they were to me, and this was a hard pill to swallow. Wasn’t I due loyalty and inclusion simply by who you are to me and what I do for you! Simple answer is NO! No, matter what I had given I was not entitled to anymore than they were willing to give and that is the way of things. Truth is life is not what you get back in return, but the personal satisfaction gained from living a good life. I wanted sympathy and understanding, and my mentor gave me tough love (which I am truly grateful for now).

I have had the entitlement to 100% loyalty from those I love only to realize this is totally unrealistic. One of the entitlements I had to face down was the idea that my children owed me. This is grossly incorrect, they owed me nothing simply by me for fulfilling my familial and societal role as parent, for my love needed to be given unconditionally (hopefully we had parents who did this but sadly I know this is not always true). This led to another entitlement that I needed to be what my mum needed me to be. There should not be an entitlement to our own parents for fulfilling or not fulfilling roles they might expect from us. If you wish to give back to your parents, it is because you wish it and nothing more. I did not ask my parents to birth me any more than my children asked me to be their parent. Even the exchange of vows does not make you entitled to 100% support at all times. I argued bitterly over this one. If I had made a vow to someone and it was returned, I felt with all my mind, body and soul I was due the same respect and to always come first in their world (so unrealistic). This is not so. How I honor my vows is on me and how my mate honors theirs is on them. We agreed to do life together — it was simple as this. All this was something I had never acknowledged or faced — until this one session.

This lesson in entitlement was hard and confronting. I was in the spotlight nowhere to run no place for unfaced shadows … now was the moment and I was not ready. In life we are seldom ready for life changing experiences, but they happen all the same. Our response and reactions are the only things we truly get to control in any exchange with others. This was no different.

Facing my entitlement was hard and brought me to my knees. I was so upset by the concept and facing my own role that I played in the situation I was working through that my voice was stolen, my throat ceased and developed a lump, my ability to process and communicate was depleted. I could not talk (if you know me that is hard to imagine I am seldom short of words)! I was choked with tears and the inability to articulate thought or feelings; I was gutted and left bereft unanchored. Everything I had believed in taken in a moment of truth. I could not hide, I was standing in full light, nowhere to run and with someone who would not pander to me who at the time seemed relentlessly mean.

I was sharing something that I now realize I was looking for sympathy, a hug and to be told I was not a bad person. I did not receive any of that, I was faced with truth and how I contributed. A moment in my life where I thought I would be given encouragement and isn’t life hard for you! I was faced with a (paraphrased) “Who says you are entitled to (insert what it is you want) … from (who it is that you think should do the action) … what gives you the right to this”. Nothing I argued or countered withstood the test of truth. I grumbled and mumbled to a good friend who did give me Sympathy but, in time I saw the truth. Once truth is known and faced it cannot be unknown ever again.

This was one of the most difficult sessions I had faced in the search to find me! My lovely and caring mentor was even surprised I returned the next week she felt that maybe we had crossed a boundary I couldn’t get over. The truth was she was right in what she said it was on me no-one else if I wasn’t happy, it was up to me to make me happy again and not feel entitled to have others do what I wanted them to do. She had help put my feet upon the path of self-empowerment and ownership. We cannot remain imprisoned to our past and history, but we can learn, forgive ourselves and forge forward in life creating a new way of being.

Sometimes we are caught in others’ entitlements that they hold or think they hold over us. Sometimes when we have a shared experience we are expected to stay still, be caught in time, never allowed to evolve. An entitlement to a set behavioral pattern from you forever more amen. A bookmark in the book of life forever recorded and expected to remain forever more as it had been. At these times we have to assess the importance of these relationships and develop boundaries. I have seen those I love imprisoned by grief due to the entitlement of others. Expected to remain a forever living monument to what was before spell bound to the past and tragic moment in time. I have watched in awe at the forgiveness given and the willingness to be their villain and to allow their own life to move on.

Dear Soul if I was to ask you to inspect your life and see what entitlements you had, could you? I know I deeply wanted to run from them, and I did for a very long time. Dear Soul, would you want to know what they were? All I can tell you is that it is worth the effort to spotlight them, acknowledge them and then when you are ready to empower yourself by making different choices, by reframing your story and by giving yourself and others compassion. Entitlements are highlights showing us how we can grow and where we can find power to embrace our truth and authenticity.

What happens Dear Soul when the citizens of the world let go of entitlements? Could we make it a better place? I guess Dear Soul, we can only control ourselves and hope that we become ripples that create a better world, life and way of being.

Until next time xox

Yours with the blessing of the light

Rebecca