Damsel in Distress Awaiting Rescue!

Dear Soul, all my life I have wanted to be rescued, adored, to be seen, to be placed first.

As a child I dreamt of Doctor Who sweeping in and taking me on many adventures! Mind you I did not think that through as he often puts his assistants in danger then swoops in and rescues them. Then onto the next exciting planet or time. I think it was the idea of not being where I was that held the appeal. I wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere but where I lived (there is a limit to the number of times you hear your name screamed throughout the day). There had to be more to life, but being who I am I was too frightened and timid to find out. I am the ultimate Damsel in distress waiting on the Knight in shiny armor!

Life can be tough and judgmental.

I have been running from who I am all my life happy to adopt another’s view over mine (for are they not smarter than me!!!) I run a mile from confrontation wanting someone else to defend me or say poor you. I have found it hard to stand and voice who I am. I know if you know me you probably doubt this but maybe that is because I am comfortable with you, and I am happy to get my soap box out and debate my views!

In life it has taken me a long time to create the courage to share or even to write without listening and obeying the litany of “Don’t do this you will lose people, and it is not all yours to tell!” When in life is it okay to express your opinions? Dear Soul, are you judged for having your own view and opinions in life? Are you told just to get over yourself? Do not get me wrong, I am very fortunate to be surrounded by a loving family (and I am lucky) but at times I feel alien! A bit like you learnt in Sesame Street “One of these things is not like the other!” This is no reflection of my loving family and friends, it is me trying to work out where I fit in life and who I really am?

Yesterday was a sad day for me. It was hard because nothing seemed to have triggered the emotion! It was all stuff I felt I had dealt with in a practical way, but when are emotions practical? Do you have those days Dear Soul? Life just seemed overwhelming and my mistakes too many! Such heaviness weighing in my body. This time I was different; I allowed the feelings to move through me without the need for explanation or knowing what it was about. The last time I felt like this I hid the emotion from all but a few people. My husband and close friends knew that I vacillated between tears and trying not to cry. I spent three years in this state. I have a feeling that others knew, I just was not good at letting others in, it felt like a secret shame of not being enough or having failed. It was on doctor's orders and a referral to a counsellor that helped me turn a corner.

This morning, I remember we are in the middle of Pisces season. Pisces is a water sign meaning emotions rule. This ocean of sadness was meant to be felt by me, for it was full of unresolved issues and it was time to release without having to dive into all the nitty gritty. This morning it feels like I have weathered a storm, and a calmness is in the air. My body feels lighter and the hope for a new day fills me. This is the day I rescue myself and share who I am. I want to become a writer! I know being a writer will take courage, time and consistently showing up. It will mean facing my doubts, exploring my opinions, and owning who I am. What will come for you Dear Soul when facing unwanted and untenable emotions?

Dear Soul, it is hard to face emotions that are uncomfortable but by pretending life is always good and kind we miss the growth and messages from the ones we do not want. I loved the books and movies of “Pollyanna” growing up encouraging you to find the silver linings for all the hardships, but I am also learning there is a need to honor the downtimes and harder emotions. Life does not always lift it can push you down too. To know life, we need to experience the full gamut of emotions for how can you know and appreciate happiness if you have never been sad. Emotions go in cycles and that is okay. Honor where you are, and which emotion is reigning. Having said this, if you find it hard (like I did crying for 3 years do not recommend) seek professional help. It was when I sought professional help and opened up to extended family being honest that allowed healing and I realized how much support I had denied myself.

Next time an emotion comes calling that you are uncomfortable with instead of trying to understand it just let it be. Let it move through you. Acknowledge it. We do not always have to know, and this is a hard one for me, I always need to know the meaning to process what is happening or even better avoid in the future! I tell myself how can I heal if I do not face it down! I am learning that not knowing is okay too and just giving space and time for the emotion to move through me is enough. Sometimes the emotion just wants to be seen and given a voice.

I am learning I do not need to be rescued I only need to let myself be!

Write soon.

In love and light

Rebecca

Dear Soul Wisdom

PS I am okay. I am loved. I am okay being sad.