Being a Mother is My Life’s Calling

Ever since I was little all I wanted was to be a mum and wife. I had no driving ambition to conquer the world. All I wanted was to have my own family. Now I am left to question my motives, because that is what I now do in life in my quest to understand who I am and my purpose for living. Did I want to be a mum to create a place I would belong? Did I want to outshine my own mother? Did I just need to re-mother myself? Did I want to help create and guide new souls? I feel deep within my soul it is a combination of all this and more! Mostly I am a Mother because it is my heart’s calling in life.

This is not a popular ambition to own in a world where you are judged by money and contribution to the finances of the world. We under rate this profession and it is a profession that will require your entire life and dedication. I am an empty nester now, but my duty is not done. I am there when my children need me; it is just now what they require from me is different to what they needed from me when they were younger.

It is an endless and thankless vocation. It feels that no one sees you unless you have done something wrong or they disagree with, but this is the hurt speaking and is not true either. My youngest has spoken words that let me know he has seen my value. My middle child has asked for things on my behalf when he knows I will not give voice. My eldest is my endless teacher.

A mother is more than I anticipated. It is something you cannot know fully until you are the carer of another whose life is in your hands and responsible for 24 hours of the day, 365 days of the year and will forever be a part of you. There is no resigning. It is a commitment that I cannot describe. My children are grown and left the nest, I will always have opinions and think I know best, but now is the time I have stepped back, but I will forever worry and love them. The beings you make and hold for a short time are something I cannot quite describe. I love them all. At times they have been my greatest heartbreak and at the same time my greatest joy and love. They are forever part of me.

It is hard to navigate the time between being their everything and the time that asks you to let go and to let them fly solo in life without running interference. It is hard to stand back and watch them move so far away but be proud because it is their life, and they are claiming it. It is hard not clinging to them when it is time for them to grow and live their own lives. It is hard but at the same time feelings of love and accomplishment for the human you helped to create living their best life (even when that means you are being left behind while they explore, and I know I am not the right person to explore with because I would hold them back and down to keep them safe. I would become the smother mother and that is not what any of my children need).

In recent years I have had to really look at myself and what I want. This is new and hard. I have been what I wanted. Was I good at it …. I do not really know; you would have to ask my children, and I know their answers would depend upon the day and what is going on for them. Did I do the best I could? I would like to say yes but I know there have been times when I dropped the ball, but this is where I need to show myself compassion and recognize my humanity and know I am only human.

In trying to not be my mother I have made mistakes.

It is only recent years that I have had the ability to show my mother compassion and understanding. In a sporting family and strong personalities, it was not her fault that I was outside of her wheelhouse. I know my mum is a practical woman and when she voiced once in despair that she must have been a bad mother I did not take the chance to list all of my perceived grievances with her and how she could have done better, I listened instead and allowed myself to see that mum is different to me. Mum provided the discipline in life to know to show respect, she made sure there was a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on our backs. She is a practical woman and showed love her way and with age I can see it was not her fault I did not understand her language, but nor was it mine for being made different. It was at this time in my life I learnt to love my mum instead of resenting.

I am learning if I do motherhood well my children will not have my issues but ones of their own to work out. No one lives life without creating some type of problem for themselves. If I have done this well, they will not know my heartbreaks as a mum. I do not want to foster the old hurts and resentments I had towards my mum and make them my children’s.

Being a mum is a calling and vocation.

Being a mum is something I am still working out.

Being a mum calls us to be the best and worst of ourselves.

If you are struggling just know you are doing your best and that is all anyone can do or be. Just know this is not an easy gig and that clashes happen; it is what we do with our experiences that will make the difference.

It is remembering your children’s wins and losses belong to them and not you. Your children when grown and adult like mine do not need me to be a monitor, they do not need me to rob them of their experiences by me claiming ownership and in doing this reducing their wins in life and their failures which help them grow; I can only be there to support them if they need my help. It is remembering your older and mature children’s behaviors are on them and not you. There must come a point when they claim who they are, and you need to let go and be a cheerleader from the sideline or just a spectator. The hardest part is accepting the role they assign us. Being a mother is accepting you cannot fix all hurts, nor do they want this from you. Being a mum is learning to step back so your child can step up. It is hard not to want to take all there hurts from them. It is learning if you do take ownership of all your children’s experiences you are robbing your child of their life and ownership of it.

Being a mother is loving no matter the disappointments. You love your children just as much when they fail as when they succeed. Loving them means accepting that you cannot be there all the time.

I am a mother but now I am looking for a new focus. I will always be a mum, but it is now time to find me and what I want from life without worrying about what I do impacting my children.

My life with my children has not always been easy they have pushed me in ways I could never have understood with out living it. They have given me grace in ways I did not understand. They have seen me through truth and in faulty light. I have been someone’s daughter, and I have not always been the best one of those. I am learning life is a never-ending lesson of loving, letting go and rebirthing relationships into something new. Sometimes the new brings us closer and sometimes apart. Life is learning to flow with what is, changing what could be and acceptance that somethings need to be let go of for that iteration has come to an end.

Being a mother has been some of the happiest and saddest moments of my life. Was I glad I followed my calling in life …. Always.

It is time to release what I have held too tightly. And finally, find me.

In Love and Light

Rebecca

Dear Soul Wisdom