Awakening??

This writing is recording my lived experience of a 40-day Devotional practice. The following are my embodied results. This is day 28.

Day Twenty-Eight

It was hard to start today. It was one interruption after another. It was fixing one problem while I chased the answer to another. It was waiting for return phone calls that never came.

Today I expected a tradesman to come to my house to replace the hot water system and I was unsure when he would arrive so I could not do my practice until he had been and gone. I was not comfortable chanting while he was here, and he may have needed me for something. I definitely wanted my new hot water system as 24 hours without hot water was more than enough. Now I am grateful it is fixed but it came with a cost to my devotional practice as I was having to compromise which invited in anxiety that I would forget to do it.

My devotional practice was driven back through the day due to responsibilities. I would still do my chant but anxiety about not having done it already was on the rise. The time for my devotion was pushed back and for me it was a very late start, late in the afternoon. If it was just the practice it would be ok, but I have promised myself to write each day and it worried me that would not happen. All I could think about was not breaking my streak and being reset to day one. This felt like a test of my willpower to persevere.

Chant

As I was gathering myself to chant and grounding myself into my body releasing all that came before, the word “awakening” came to me. I would have thought it spoke about a time to awaken my inner potential and call forth the clarity that is the innate nature of my kriya, but that definitely was not the case. All through my chant I fought for cognition; to remain with the chant and hand mudras, I even fought several times to remain upright when I rocked forward so hard it jolted my awareness back to me.

Today felt similar to times I have experienced hypnosis.

I was told “awakening” and yet I had to fight off sleep and trance. My body, soul and mind were not playing ball today and I was left wondering why? Just typing that word reminds me of my daughter when she was small somewhere between two to three years old. She was always asking why and wanting answers. One day I said to her Y(Why) was a crooked letter that could not be straightened (something I had heard growing up that I never questioned). Quick as a flash she told me of course it could not be straightened because it would not be “Y” anymore, it would be something different. In remembering this anecdotal story, it seems to ask for acceptance. There is no use wondering why I felt like I did today because it just was the experience I was to have.

At the end I needed a nap. I could barely function mentally, I was drained. I could not write this until I did what my body, mind and soul demanded and that was too rest. My crystal pulled at me to be included. I picked up my dragon skull crystal, set and half hour timer and went for a nap with the intent that the bloodstone could help revive me and make sense of what I had just experienced.

Today was not one I have previously experienced before with a constant need for consistent conscious action.

Reflection

I find it amusing that I heard “awakening” so clearly and the relief that a message came through (even though I do not always get one) and then the complete opposite was occurring in my body.

It was hard resisting the trance and sleepiness. My voice faulted and finger stalled. My inner voice was yelling at myself to stay focused, to say the words and do the actions! Time and time again this happened within the 31 minutes I repeat Sa, Ta, Na, Ma. Towards the end it was becoming such a tangle that I was thinking that this day would not count. No matter what happened I stayed with it and completed what was asked of me in this devotion.

When I felt renewed and awake, I came to write, and it felt like this day was of clearing and cleansing. It is in creating a clearness that will help the spirit awaken within. It is a topsy turvy ride to need rest to awaken but it is what I experienced today. I am learning that sometimes you need to relax instead of powering through.

Card

Before I rested and refreshed, I drew a card trying to make sense of what I had just experienced.

“What can you tell me about the strangeness of this chant?”

Two cards came forth in answer; the Zebra with the Eagle stuck behind it.

Zebra -eccentric, creative, visionary

Today could be a pull to awaken all that is within me. To allow myself my own eccentricities and accept my practice as it is without applying preconceived notions. It could be the call that is awakening my creativity and ability to envision. What most stands out in this card is it is asking me to remain young at heart, to feed my curiosity on life and maintain and open mind. Today might not be what I expected but what I need to awaken this in me.

Eagle — all-pervading power, truth seeker, transforms karma

This card reminds me that when the Eagle is out of balance it is controlling, and this is a reminder that I do not get to control the experience if I wish the benefits. There is a level of trust needed that whatever I experience is what I need in that moment. It is a trust that this practice is providing the method and way to transform my karma and myself. I have the power within me to seek this change and the willpower to make it happen. It is the invitation to step into the unknown and find the magic of life that abounds. All I need to do is push through to the end no matter what I think about my experiences.

See you tomorrow for day 29.