A Promise to Myself

This is my lived experience of my human design crossed with a Kundalini chant and the following is my embodied results.

Day Twenty-Two

I started today with a broken promise. I promised myself I would get up earlier and complete my chant before my session with Leah (I did not do this) and now I am off kilter completing my chant in the late afternoon. This is only one promise I have broken with myself. Each night I promise to go to bed earlier. I promise to do what is best for my body and health. I promise my body yes, I will dance today. None of these promises are kept. The only one I am having no problem keeping now is this practice. It has a hold on my heart. I am starting to see with each broken promise I show myself that I do not value who I am.

I have mixed emotions, and I cannot find my true north. Today I am faced with the truth that I like to honor my “word” to others, but I do not do this for myself. I decided that through the action of writing this article it will be a way to see that I do have self-honor. I start to write and share, even though I do not want to, and I do not know what it is I want to say.

I have discovered that this writing practice is a vital part of this 40-day devotion as important to me as the meditational chant. It is not wanting to let myself down that leads me to write this article. I promised to post each day, and I will. I am worthy of keeping my “word” to myself and I have a promise to keep.

Chant

My chant is done later than usual, in the afternoon and not the morning, I feel out of sorts because of this. I have managed to put other things before this practice, and I am disappointed in myself.

I really struggled today. My fingers fall behind and stop only to have me rush through to catchup. My words get tangled and stop. My body even jolts forward at one stage. I am drifting off to somewhere, I just do not know where that somewhere is.

Today I am learning to be grateful for having done my practice even if it was not perfect or ideal.

Reflection

When it is time to review and reflect, I have a sense of not wanting to do this and I wonder why?

When I look back on my time with Leah this morning I have nowhere to run from her last words on honor and integrity. I see that if I truly honored my body, I would have habits or create ones that showed me I valued myself. My mind buzzes with all the things I do that show me I am out of alignment. There is no shooting the messenger where the truth is told.

I am left to ponder how my exercise and eating habits have contributed to my downfall. There is only me to hold accountable for this. Leah has asked me where can I see that I do not honor myself? Why am I shutting out my ability to live in integrity? What do I need to do that will create alignment within myself?

Spiritually I am starting to act with integrity by creating this practice and I will need to know at some stage what I plan to do to keep this up, but this is a future problem, and I have other things to sort out first.

Emotionally, mentally, and physically I am faced with the fact that I do not always act with honor. It seems easier for me to act with integrity and honor when it is for another and not myself.

I am left with more questions than answers today. How am I going to honor all aspects of myself to create the life I want? I guess this will start with me finally being truthful about who I am, what I want and acting accordingly.

All the values and behaviors that I have found so far through this practice, all that I find important, I do not apply to my own behaviors in how I deal with myself. I have an incongruence and a fracture between what I portray to others and what I personally tolerate from my own actions. My voice has been calling me so long that it is tired and maybe this tiredness is coming through in my chant.

My work during the rest of the days of this devotion will be to create and embody practices that will build the “me” that is whole, one that lives my values and honors the self as well as others.

Card

I asked, “What am I awakening within myself?” Moth was my reply. Confusion my answer.

Moth — impulsive, hasty, wishful

The card mentions being attracted to the shiny and new, leaving projects unfinished, thinking that the grass is greener somewhere else and wanting life to be easier than it is. When I look at this statement, I see that it is true for me, and I wonder why that is an awakening within me? I then realized this is part of my problem in not treating myself with honor or integrity. I want a quick fix; I want someone else to do the work and I want it all to be easy. I walk away from completing tasks racing on to something new. I am awakening to the fact that if I want to be a person of honor and integrity, I need to do the work and show myself respect. I am required to rise above a life of easy come easy go, ditching the latest fad for the next newest and brightest one and sustaining my ability to finish what I start. I need to awaken the ability to apply myself, see the miracle of who I am, act with honor and integrity towards her to become who I want to be.

When I look back on what I have written I can see a way forward with an action I can take. I can begin by making small promises to myself and then having the honor to carry through.

See you tomorrow for day 23.